I had my interview last weekend, and I had my celebratory dinner last night where I bought everyone beer and dessert. Needless to say, I was well in my happy state to pay that bill this happily. : )
I thought the interview went well, but then so did everything else in the past three weeks since Valentine’s day. (I almost wrote 2 weeks instead of 3… the happy times do go by really fast.)
I can spend lots of effort to attempt explaining this phenomenon, or I can sum it up with this video by The Carpenters, Top of the World:
But among all of the ecstatic feelings, I couldn’t help but feel a nagging sense of aloofness. Some kind of unreality, instability, or insecurity. Some kind of lostness, as if I can’t find my direction. Everything about med school is done for the time being, and now all I can do is wait. And this mentality seems to infiltrate my everyday activities; school work doesn’t seem as important, gloomy days seem glorious and bright, everything seems happy and fine.
And that can be dangerous.
On the most obvious level, slacking off school this early is unwise and short-sighted. I don’t know if I’ll get into med school, and if I don’t, bombing my 4th year grade is not going to help my chances when I apply again next year. Besides, I don’t want to let go of the enjoyment in learning, even though I may feel that I can afford the immediate, short term rewards of parties, movies, etc. I have to remind myself what is more rewarding in the long run; in other words, when the pressure to apply to med school is lifted (perhaps temporarily), I need more self-discipline to keep myself on track.
On another level, my sense of well-being and over-confidence can leave to a dramatic bubble burst when the letter of rejection comes in May. The bigger I blow up that bubble, the louder the bang is going to be. The more people to whom I reveal my confidence, the more people I will have to answer to when I don’t get in. That doesn’t feel like a big issue to me now, but I can see how it may be a bigger issue than I can imagine.
I foresaw this possibility when I announced my interview invitation. Back then, I asked myself: “Oh, aren’t I worried that I might not get past this interview and I have to come here and admit defeat?”
And I answered: “No, I would just blog about my defeat then, which would also make interesting reading material I’m sure.”
Talk about a blog helping the blogger objectify everything : )
On yet another level, and this one I should really be more careful about, is becoming too much of a show-off and let my confidence become arrogance. This is the last thing I intend to do by talking about MCAT, interview, my activities and all that. I know I’m not exactly the most humble person, but I’d like to think that I am much less showy than I used to be 8, 10 years ago.
I talk about these things for a few reasons. 1. is to document my life as an undergrad, 2. is to reflect and distill my learning, and 3. to share my thoughts with friends and everyone who may be interested in learning about these things.
But an over-abundent sense of accomplishment is not going to help me achieve these goals. It can only project me as a content, arraogant, self-gratifying jerk. If I appear to be heading down that way, I hope my true friends will point this out for me =)
With that, I’d like to close the [Interview] series for now. Stay tuned for an emotional (for better or worse) update in May : )